you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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