he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
