there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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