two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
