Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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