she woke up with a sticky ear
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
