if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
