Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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