Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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