The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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