Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
