I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize