fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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