he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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