im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
