Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
