I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
