you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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