im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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