I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
