Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
