Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
