Banned from zoo.
Again?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
