Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
worst night to have a conscience
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
