I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
