Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I met the friendliest cop last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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