I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
