Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize