Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
