The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
