Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
