If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
