First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
