We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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