If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
