What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
