If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
