Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
