the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
