I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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