If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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