I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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