all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
