We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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