So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
