My underwear smells like fireworks.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
