What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
