M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
