Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
