I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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