When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
