Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
