i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
