ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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