I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
